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CHAPTER 3 à MEN GO TO THEIR CAVES AND WOMEN TALK.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress.
Men become increasingly focus and withdrawn , while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.
He feels better by solving the problems while she feels better by talking about the problems.
Example: When a man comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. His stres from unsolved problems during the day gone ,through forgetting them.
His wife comes home, and she wants to relax , by talking the problems of her day.
Then the tension slowly building between them, it might go into resentment.
The husband thinks his wife talks too much, while the wife feels ignored.
COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS.
When Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problems, unless his friend’s assistance is necessary to solve the problem.
Instead he becomes very quiet and goes into his private cave to think and finding solution for his problems.
If he couldn’t find a solution, then he does something to forget his problems, like reading a news or playing a game.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed , to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and talks in a great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusian share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly fell better.
On Venus, sharing your problems with another actually is considered sign of love and trust and not a burden.
Venusian are not ashamed of having a problems. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless and exhausted.
Venusian feels good about herself when she has a loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems.
Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave.
MEN à FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE.
When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving problem. He will picks up the most urgent problem or the most difficult first.
He become very focused on solving the problem, and he usually temporary losses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.
At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive and preoccupied in his relationship.
If however he can find a solution to his problem, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave, suddenly he is available of being in a relationship again.
But if he couldn’t find a solution, he will remain stuck in the cave. To get unstuck, he needs to engaging with any kind of activities , the deeper he stucks, the more challenging activities that he needs to take.
HOW WOMEN SHOULD REACT WHEN A MAN GO INTO HIS CAVE.
When a men is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality of attention she deserves.
She can tell that he is upset, but mistakenly assumes he doesn’t care about here because he isn’t talking to her.
Women generally doesn’t understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about their problems the way Venusian do. And then she resent, because she feels the Martians ignore her.
To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become more open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make a complete sense.
It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings, just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feeling to be always rational and logical.
When Martians go to their cave, they tend to forget that their friends may having a problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. Most of the women will resist and resent, when a man does this way.
The right way for women is to begin cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him.
On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in their cave.
As he recognizes that his withdrawing will affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Otherwise without this understanding, they might start the argument.
Five common misunderstandings :
- When she says “ You don’t listen,” men says “What do you mean, I can tell everything you said “. However, she is asking for his full undivided attention.
2. When she says “ I feel like you are not even here,” man says “Of course I am
here, don’t you see me here “. However , she doesn’t feel his presence, that what
she means.
- When she says” You don’t care about me,” men says “ Of course I care about you, I am trying to solve your problem “. However, she needs to feels his direct attention and caring, and that what she really asking for.
- She says “ I feel like I am not important to you”, he says “That’s ridiculous. Of course you are important “. When a man focus only on one problem, she feels ignored and unimportant.
- She says “ You have no feelings. You are in your head ,” he says “ What wrong with that? How you expect me to solve the problem ?”. Women feels that the man so quickly shift from being warm and caring to being unresponsive and distant.
WOMEN à FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING.
When woman is stressed she instinctively fells a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings.
She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems, but rather seeking relief by expressing herself and being understood.
By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
A woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems.
By talking about all possible problems, without focusing on problem solving she feels better. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel.
Many times, the topics need not to be in nay order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may be expand even further, and she may become more upset about more problems.
Many times, to forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.
HOW MEN SHOULD REACT WHEN WOMEN NEED TO TALK.
When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He doesn’t realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.
Martians talk about problems for only two reasons : they are blaming someone or they asking for advice. So when a woman talks to a man, if she is really upset , he assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, he is assumes she is asking advice.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr.Fix-It Hat to solve her problems. If he is assumes she is blaming him, he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering 2 or 3 solutions, he expect her to feel better. When she doesn’t feel better, he feels his solution being rejected, and he feels unappreciated.
But if he feels attacked, then he begin defend himself. The more he defends himself, the more upset she becomes. He doesn’t realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feeling and let her move on to talk more problems.
Man also become particularly frustrated when woman talks about her problems that he can do nothing about.
Man also become more impatient when woman talk about problems in a great detail. Again he doesn’t realize that she is looking not for a solution, but for his caring and understanding.
Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for a bottom line. He cannot formulating his formula until he knows the outcome.The more details she gives the more he is frustrated while listening. If only he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax.
Sometime what woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details.
And if a man can lears more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support , he discovers that listening is not so difficult.
HOW THE MARTIANS AND THE VENUSIAN FOUND PEACE.
What The Martians Learned.
The Martians realized even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed or critized by the Venusian it was only a temporary. Soon the Venusian would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusian really thrived on talking about problems.
In addition he learned that once a Venusian feels heard, she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems.
What The Venusian Learned.
The Venusian also learned that if a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn’t love her anymore. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.
And also when Venusian talked and Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice.
The Venusian also discovered that asking for the Martias attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention..
Chapter IV à How To Motivate the Opposite Sex.
goes into his private cave to think and finding solution for his problems. 
