| Category: |
Books |
| Genre: |
Parenting & Families |
| Author: |
John Gray, Ph.D
|
I just re-read this book again, after so many years.
So I want to make a several short bullet points, from all chapters.
To make it easier, I will go chapter by chapter. Hopefully will help us understand the difference thought process between Man and Women.
Well my friends, Enjoy......
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS -- Chapter I and II
I. AN OVERVIEW.
First thing first, Man and Women ARE different.
But many times we expect the opposite sex to "want what we want " and " feel the way we fell".
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do, while women mistakenly expect men to feel , communicate and respond the way women do.
In the later chapters, Men always came from Mars , so it will be called The Martian.
While women will always came from Venus, so it will be called The Venusian.
II.MR.FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE.
The most frequently complaint from women to man : Men don't listen. Either he completely ignores her or listens for a few beats and starts giving a solution. She wants empathy , but he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently complaint from men to women : Women always trying to change them. When women loves a man , she feels responsible to assist him in a growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She thinks she is nurturing him, while he feels being controlled. Instead, he wants acceptance.
Life on Mars.
Martians value power, competency,efficiency, and achievement.They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined trough their ability to achieve result. They experience fulfillment through success and accomplishment.
They are more interested in " objects" and " things" rather than people and feelings.
Achieveing goals make them feel good about himself.
So to offer man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.
Martians keeps problems to himself unless he requires help / expert's advice from another to find a solution.
So it is Martian custom to instinctively to offer solution when Venus talk about problems. He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems.
He has no idea that Venus talk about problem not in order to finding solution but just to ease the burden.
Life on Venus.
Venusian value love, communication, beauty and relationship. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping and nurturing each other.Their sense of self defined through their feeling and the quality of their realtionship. Their experience fulfillment throught sharing and relating.
Communication is a very important. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success.
Instead of being goal oriented , women are relationship oriented they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love and caring.
On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a Master Degree in counseling. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. These also many times including advice and suggestions. All of these are an act of love.
For Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness.
When women tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He thinks he is broken or not capable to fix the things. She mistakenly thinks that she is just helping him to grow.
When A Woman Resist a Man's Solution --> Man, Please Learn To Listen.
When a women resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result
he feels mistrusted, unappreciated and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessen.
Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. She just needs to share her feelings about some problems. Many times she doesn't really need a solution. A way to make her pleases is just by listening patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feeling.
Brief examples some sentences that might make women resist :
- You shouldn't worry too much.
- But that is not what i said.
- It's not such a big deal.
- Ok, sorry, lets forget it.
- Why don't you just do it ?
- You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant.
- How you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you.We had a great time.
- OK, I'll clean the back yard. Are you happy ?.
- Look, nothing we can do about it.
- Why you let people treat you that way ?.
- From now on, I'll handle those things.
-- Of course I care about you. that's ridiculous.
If only Man learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreaciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
When A Man Resist the Home-Improvement Committee -->Women , Please Give Up Giving Advice.
When a man resist a women's suggestion, she feels as though he doesn't care, she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
But if she understand that Man come from Mars, she can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or critism rather simply sharing her needs, providing information or making a request.
When women offer a unsolicited advice or tries to help a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound for him. For men it is important to prove it that they can get to their goals.What they need the most is her acceptance.
Brief examples some sentences that might make man resist :
- How can you think you buy that?. You already have one.
- Those dishes still wet. They'll dry with a spots.
- Your hair is long, isn't it ?
- You want to spend time with your friends, what about me ?
- Why are we waiting for table ? Didn't you already make the reservation ?
- Next time we should read the movie reviews.
- Somebody drank from the bottle .
- Don't eat with your fingers. you're setting a bad example.
- your shirt doesn't match with your pant.
If women can give up giving advice and can take the rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs, gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements, when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather that as the problem itself.
III. MEN GO TO THEIR CAVES AND WOMEN TALK.--> to be continued.
